Dirty, Dirtier, Filthy

We’d like to re-introduce you to our favorite classics of the mid-century American cocktail cart. You know, like the kind Samantha would make for Darren when he got home from the office, in “Bewitched.”

Well, here in the new-century, these cocktail classics have been kicked up by hot heels and salted down by hairy chests. We’ll let you decide which one you want to drink and which one you want to date. Enjoy!

 

The Dirty Daddy Martini

Our version of the dapper Dirty Martini (only our Daddy bites, which makes him dirtier…)
2 – 3 shots vodka*
1 shot olive juice
½ shot pickled Jalapeño juice
1 tsp creamed horseradish
3 stuffed olives
1 pickled or fresh Jalapeño cut into slivers
1 large/long flat head nail

 

The Dirty Debbie Martini

Our version of the ladylike Gibson Martini (Get it??? Like Debbie Gibson…)
2 shots vodka*
1 shot pickled cocktail onion juice
1 teaspoon creamed horseradish
½ shot caper juice
2 cocktail onions
2 fresh or pickled garlic cloves
3-5 capers
1 crochet needle

Directions

Three things to always remember: First of all, always keep a set of martini glasses, shaker/cocktail pitcher and bottle of vodka chilling in the freezer. Secondly, vermouth is a waste of space and energy. And lastly, if Cartier can turn the average nail into a high fashion bracelet by dipping it in gold and calling it “Juste un Clou,” then we can use a nail and/or a crochet needle as a cocktail skewer! Proceed.

Combine the liquids with horseradish in a shaker filled just a few cubes of ice (not too many because you don’t want a watery cocktail) or a pitcher. Shake or stir as aggressively as necessary (since this step is really just to meld the ingredients together in a sexy way, pick the method that is best suited for you level of clumsiness).  Strain mixture trough ice or scoop ice out and pour into chilled glasses.

Skewering of garnishes should be done in advance of the steps above, so as not to let your drink get warm; Dirty Daddy, take  the nail and skewer one end of Jalapeño sliver then olive and continue for three olives and three slivers. Set in to glass ready for pouring. Dirty Debbie, take the crochet needle and skewer cocktail a onion then a garlic clove and continue for three onions and three garlic cloves. Set into the glass, pour mixture over garnish and sprinkle capers over glasses to float or sink freely in the glass.

*preferably Absolut Peppar or in a pinch Stoli Hot. However, if neither of these two is available and you have some lead time for prep, do this; take a bottle of Kettle One and with a bottle opener pop off that stupid plastic filter on the bottle. Take 2 Habanero chilies or 4 Jalapeño/Serrano chilies and slice into long slivers then force them down into the Kettle One bottle and put back in freezer for future use.